Mom and Me

By: Mira Tosheva

I wasn't an easy kid. Especially as a teenager. I drove my parents crazy almost daily. It took me quite a long time to realize some truths and accept some generational differences so that I could finally start to appreciate what a lucky person I am.  But back then, I was a rebel. A furious one. 

"You’re either with me or against me." was part of my concept of how things worked. I wanted to win my independence. That is, until I figured out that even though I may not be on the same page as another person, no one is really against me. Looking at it now, this desire for independence seems like a ridiculous thing and such a waste of time and energy.

In this journey called "growing up," I remember very clearly how I argued furiously with my mother, getting mad whenever she tried to show me another perspective. I wouldn't listen to what she said, because I was too busy wanting to prove her wrong. After I graduated from university, I moved to another city to work. In the beginning, I was happy to live alone. I thought this would give me some peace of mind. And it did—for a while. I enjoyed taking care of myself and finally had the independence I’d been trying to carve out for myself. Yet, as time went on, I started to notice that being away from my family made me reconsider a lot of things. Especially my attitude. 

At first, I didn’t go back home too often, although my home city was just two hours away. This changed as a reflected on my life. I started to feel the need and desire to share my life with others. Home had never been about the place itself for me, but rather the people I love, and I realized that something was missing. Now and then, when I saw my mother, I would start to open up more and more, talking about all the stuff that was bothering me. I noticed that, for the first time in a while, I was beginning to listen to her. She had a lot to say and a lot to teach me. It was surprising to me that she never actually pushed me to talk. It was more like she patiently waited for me to get to the point whenever I was ready. 

Through this, I learned that you can accept another person’s perspective as just simply a different opinion, not something that impacts you directly or works as a comment on you personally. In countless conversations with her, I slowly became aware of the fact that she knew me even better than I knew myself. I guess it’s a mother thing. Sometimes she would guess my thoughts before I had even said a word. She would be so gentle in trying to help me clarify things that were bothering me. This gentleness allowed me to open up and share in the way I’d been seeking to after moving away from home. This shifted our relationship. I stopped viewing my mom as just “mom.” She slowly became my best friend, something I’d never thought would happen. Looking back now, I know it’s because I wasn’t grown enough for that type of communication. 

Through all these years while I was finding love, losing love, moving here and there, losing faith and becoming fearless, I was scared, I was up and down, and sometimes acting crazy. I went from being a fighter to observing my life, and my mother stood by my side the whole time. She believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. This may sound like a total cliche, but to have someone who never gives up on you, no matter what, is one of the most powerful feelings. 

With time, we’ve managed to establish a meaningful, loving relationship. A bond based not on the fact that we agree on everything but on the idea that we can discuss different opinions in the same gentle and respectful way in which we would talk about anything else. My mother has always considered herself an ordinary person. To me, she’s anything but that. Most children would probably say the same thing about their mothers and they would be absolutely right. There’s something extremely powerful in a mother’s love. It’s the type of love that gives you hope, even when everything around you is tumbling down. 

My mother told me once: "Good people don’t change depending on the circumstances. They remain good. No matter what."  Life has proved her right.