Flash Fiction: Everyone Faces Darkness on Their Own

By: Natasha Aidoo

Natsuko is unhappy. She feels as if life was just flowing through Time and Space, leaving her stuck and stranded in the background, slipping through her fingers. 

She realized that she had become indifferent, unimpressed and longing for excitement. 

It feels as if "reality" was a bad dream she can't wait to wake up from. To finally live fully and to explore the infinite opportunities the world has to offer. Few things light the fire in her eyes. She feels as if she embodies the washed out version of herself. Passion and enthusiasm, the lust for life Iggy Pop sings about, are hidden somewhere in the past. A remote one. 

She hates it. 

Apathy is shaken off in several occasions—when she is reminded of the love of friends and relatives, when she spends time doing what brings her joy, when she doesn't doubt her self-worth. 

Circumstances require one thing from her. To wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait and wait. 

A constant effort to focus on what she can actually concretely and effectively control, influence and change. Rather than to despair while running after situations beyond her limited agency. A lesson she finds hard to grasp. It's not easy to try really hard, to commit to obtaining results and reaching personal goals, when it seems that no matter how much you try, you end up feeling as if you can barely breathe. 

Anxiety and Depression pop up, swing by and decide to settle in your mind until an indefinite date. 

Natsuko will never get used to the harshness and heart-breaking sounds she feels in her heart when this happens. "Exhausted" is the word she believes expresses best how dealing with her mental health leaves her. Tired. Gravity force weighing on her shoulders. 

Winter and its cold hold her in a tight grip that makes it difficult to think, to enjoy being alive and to look forward to another day. 

The little achievements hold the biggest value. 

Her walks in the countryside through the freezing fields and under the mostly white skies. Each step is a testament to her determination to move past the dark jungle of instability and to the willingness to hold onto the fresh air, the flora and the chance to take a break from herself. 

Nature is her solace. 

She likes to daydream about how, when she'll be able to afford her own place, she will fill her home with plants. Small, medium and big ones. A domestic greenhouse. 

She wants to learn all she can to take proper care of those wonderful creatures. A responsibility she doesn't take lightly.

Green everywhere, an immersion into chlorophilla. A feast for her soul. She already wonders what kind of plants will agree to be her companions. 

Green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green green. She can touch it.

Her unrelenting and indissoluble love for music represents a constant she can rely on. A source of energy, light and a firm certainty. When everything surrounding her has been feeling wrong, meaningless and as if it is crumbling down.  She can get lost in the notes with no fear and no worries about finding her way back. She soars above whatever makes her uncomfortable, she dives deep into emotions she can't figure out, she embraces the sparkles. 

She exists. With simplicity and awareness of the mess she inhabits. The key is to detach herself from the terrestrial dimension, to tune out negative thoughts and to let the lyrics sink in. As deep as possible. To save, savour and recover when needed. Her inner treasure. Her essence, something she knows nothing can take away from her. Not even the darkest hour.

She discovered the therapeutic effects of dancing. Her movements are filled with pain, calm, grace and freedom. Her mind surrenders to the nothingness. The fragility she feels inside is momentarily overcome. Empowerment, genuineness, and electricity flow through her veins. Music guides her across mystical lands. Dance allows her to absorb each element of the panorama and to make them hers. A process beyond mortal words. Natsuko disappears, dissolves and disintegrates her terrestrial form into something else. Into a being whose point of  references are rhythm, beat, silences, and sounds. Aware of her surroundings and yet unconscious of the dimensions she has fallen into, she shakes off all the particles of dread, insecurity, and gloom from her system. She purifies her soul. 

Her heart. 

Her mind.

She fights the loneliness that cripples her. The depth of her pain causes isolation and misunderstanding. She feels continuously alone. And scared. So, she decides to take a breath of existential fresh air by travelling to meet her friends. A weekend that recharges her, fills her soul with joy and reminds her of the beauty in ordinary things she tends to forget about. The energy they infuse into her is what she needs to face the challenges. To keep going and not give in.

She can make it. 

She will succeed. 

She tells herself these words day after day, especially before falling asleep. 

A lullaby of encouragement.